Rockabye baby

Three years ago, my night time routine looked like this: before I could go to bed I had to check on my baby girl. Which most mums do, right? Well, I had to do the following things after entering her room; touch (not switch) the light switch five times, kiss my girl five times, twice on every cheek and the last kiss on her mouth, then touch her mini stuffed Maileg elephant five times, walk back to her bed and repeat the five kisses, walk up to her stuffed flamingo and touch him five times, walk back and touch the little ones face five times and then touch the doorknob five times before I left her room. Only to then walk back several times during the night to either repeat all this or to stand so closely bent over her bed that I could check her breathing, five times. All of this obviously caused her to wake up more than once, aka bad news. Very bad news.

I obviously tried to keep all of my routines hidden from my baby.  When she was three years old I noticed her pressing a traffic light button not once but five times and that was actually the final trigger for me to get therapy once again and this turned into the time I needed the medication for the first time.

Luckily my routines decreased drastically after that and I have not seen anything disturbing in the little one since. Well, nothing disturbing ocd wise, I did witness some highly disturbing terror tantrums that the exorcist itself could have watched and learned from.

So all of this was around three years ago. Since then my nightly routine looks a lot different, but I have noticed that the level of stress I experience is highly influencing the amount of routines I perform. So, any given night right now, consists of the following. I put the little one to bed without any routines and I do this on purpose I must add. After she falls asleep I will check on her once, I kiss her again while she sleeps, I turn off her light and I leave her door open. Also, I have to whisper something sweet into her ear. Then when I wake up in the middle of the night I have to go check on her even if the house is dead silent. Especially when the house is dead silent, because what if she chocked in her sleep? Well, I check on her but before I enter her room I have to touch the door five times, when I leave her room I also have to touch the door five times. But that’s it. This probably still sounds ridiculous, but compared to three years ago this is major for me. If I am lucky I only do this once every night, sometimes twice, depending on how often I wake up.

One more thing, in the house that we live in right now, my daughters room is across the front door. Which I find terrifying, because if someone, read serial killers, rapists, kidnappers or worse, enter the house they will get to her first. This alone adds stress to my nights, but there is something else. The front door has a teeny tiny peep hole in it, like most front doors have. Well, this hole lets through a tiny ray of light (from the lit stairway outdoors) that shines directly onto my baby’s door. In my already stressed state of mind I then convince myself (every freaking night) that this ray of light is a laser from a shotgun. Yes. You can imagine I go back to bed in total relaxation after this midnight moment of fun.

Let me add that when I check on her in the middle of the night my vision is seriously impaired, read minus nine.